How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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