This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
