I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
