whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
