If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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