it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
