just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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