Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
