Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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