either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
