I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
