We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
