I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
