I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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