i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize