people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
