I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
