He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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