Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
