I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
