At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
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Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
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I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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