i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
