i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
