I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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