i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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