i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
