he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
We are two peas in an std pod
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
