If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
