Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
