nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
