its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
