Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
even my farts smell like vagina
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Randomize
