Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
