just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize