I look better un-naked...
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
A+ Viking dick
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
