1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
