I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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