remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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