Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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