a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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