Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
