It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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