So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
