there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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