remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
