The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
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