New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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