One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Randomize
