I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Randomize
