I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.â€
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