My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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