Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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