This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
