Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
