I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
