I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
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You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
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Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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