I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize