I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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