We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
