Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Randomize
