when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
