Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
